Stuff My Mom Says

So, I have to respect my mother because she is now in her eighties. Has given birth to ten children. Has been exiled from a country, buried two husbands and a few lovers, not to mention, outlived more of her own children then any mother should have to. But (and listen for the deep sigh in my voice) this woman can single handedly make an incredible achievement feel petty and insignificant. Not to mention, with all her CIA training, she can psychologically make a normally, self confident woman feel a bit, well, concerned. She is gifted in the art of compliment followed by insult. Here I will post my mothers recent email to me.

QUERIDISIMA CHIVI:TUS HIJOS ESTAN PRECIOSOS Y PARA TENER ESOS 3 ULTIMOS BEBES GORDITOS TE TIENE QUE
HABER COSTADO MUCHO TRABAJO.
AHORA SI, LOS NINOS BIEN TODO BIEN. PERO MI AMOR TU TE TIENES QUE CUIDAR ME GUSTARIA VER UN RETRATO TUYO.
RECUERDATE QUE TU ERES EL PILAR DE LA FAMILIA, TIENES QUE ESTAR LINDA , NO SOLO BUENA MADRE Y AMA DE
CASA. CUIDA TU SALUD, TU FIGURA, MANTEN TU ESPOSO BIEN ENAMORADO. SEA MORMON, CATHOLICO , BUDISTA
O LO QUE SEA,  DEBE VERTE LINDA Y SEXY TODO EL TIEMPO. EL LUCE MUY ATRACTIVO EN EL RETRATO, ES MEDICO
O SEA QUE TIENE MUCHISIMO PELIGRO AUNQUE EVADA LAS TENTACIONES.
ADEMAS  LOS HIJOS COMO LOS PAJARITOS  VUELAN Y SE VAN SOLO QUEDARAN UDS,  DOS. yO SE QUE TU ERES MUY
INTELIGENTE Y SIEMPRE HAS TENIDO MUCHOS ATRACTIVOS, ASI QUE CONSERVATE IGUAL.
TENGO MIEDO QUE TE DEDIQUES SOLO A LOS 5 MUCHACHOS Y TE OLVIDES DE TI.
TU MARIDO LUCE BIEN CUIDADO EN EL RETRATO. mANDAME UNO TUYO PARA VER COMO TE ESTAS CUIDANDO.
HOY OLGA SE OPERO EL OTRO OJO DE CATARATAS Y TODO SALIO BIEN.
YO SIGO SOBREVIVIENDO Y ESPERANDO UN FUTURO NO MUY LEJANO PARA PODER VERLOS A UDS.Y HACER EL
VIAJE HACIA EL NORTE.          

CARINOS MIL TU MAMA

I know what your thinking......It's all in Spanish Sylvia. I will give you a short translation with the stuff she is saying between the lines inserted. Dear Chivi, (my nickname) The children are beautiful and to have three fat triplets I imagine that it must have cost you a great deal of trouble.( Are you fat and ugly since their birth?) But now that the children are well, sweetheart , I think you need to take care of yourself.( I know you are fat and ugly after pushing out triplets) I would like to see a picture of you.(To document your demise as a woman) Remember you are the pillar of your family, you need to be pretty not just a good mother, housewife.

Keep good health, and a good figure,( especially the figure) Maintain your husband's interest b/c whether Mormon, Catholic or Buddhist you better be pretty and sexy all the time.( He's gonna leave you and your littler for a newer,prettier model....cuz your fat) He looks handsome in the pictures you send me. Remember he is a doctor and children are like birds that leave and all that will be left are you two. You have always been attractive, (except now so send me a picture to prove it) conserve yourself that way. Send me a picture of you. ( So I can have proof you are not fine like you tell me.)

This sounds like a mother's stern warning to be perfect to keep your man. But for anyone who knows my mom this can go two ways. I send her a picture of me and I think I look okay. She will pass that thing around her office to every person that walks through the door critiquing me. And depending on her mood, she will say how wonderful or how awful I look. Do I really need that? So today I staged this photo and sent it to my mom with the following comment. 

Mami, Thanks for the email. Here is the picture you asked for. I took it this morning. Yes, those are diapers you see on me. I have heard that baby pee does wonders for my skin.  Love, Chivi.

My mother, Queen of subtle insults returned with the following email. 

Querida Chivi: Estoy encantada con el orden del cuarto, por lo menos estas tratando de descansar y eso si es para bien tuyo.
El orden del cuarto no importa, lo importante es que la lindisima mama descanse y se mantenga linda como siempre. Seria
bueno que pudieras tener ayuda para  atender los otros quehaceres de la casa que no fueran los bebes. Por supuesto
cada matrimonio sabe como organizar su casa, pero a mi me preocupa que cuando esos ninos tengan 5 anos, tu estes
desbaratada.
Tu papa siempre me decia, que yo podia estar muy contenta porque el decia que yo era su mujer, y que cuando un hombre
dice :mi esposa, madre de mis hijos, en el lenguaje de los hombres quiere decir:esta es lo que quedo de lo que fue mi
linda mujer, pero ahora cargo con ella porque es mi esposa y la madre de mis hijos. Por supuesto no eramos mormones.
Tendriamos que preguntarle al famoso Padre Alberto que se fue de la iglesia  catolica y se caso con la querida  que si
la tentacion puede dominar a un hombre.
Hasta el momento todo esta bien en tu relacion familiar, cuidala con toda tu inteligencia . Carinos .Tu mama,

Translated: Chivi, I am happy to see the state of order in the room.( I will not comment on your little joke. I will make you feel bad at how things look dirty.)  At least, you are trying to get some rest and that is for your own good. The disorder of the room doesn't concern me.(But it should concern you) What's important is that the pretty mother rests and stays as pretty as always.( I think you must be fat) It might be a good idea if you could hire someone to take care of all the other things that need tending to in the house that aren't the babies. (Because you obviously can't do it yourself.) Of course, every married couple knows how to organize their own home. But I'm worried that when those triplets turn five you will be destroyed (physically). YOur father always said, when a man said "this is my wife, mother of my kids" In man language that meant, this is what is left of what used to be my pretty woman but now I have to take her because she is my wife and mother of my kids. Of course, we weren't mormon. (Ouch!) We will have to ask that Father Albert, the priest that left the priesthood for a woman he was sleeping with if temptation can dominate a man. For now, the relationship in your home is well. Take care of it with all your know with all. Love, mom. 

Oh mom, you are never boring. I could of sent her the following picture and told her I am running daily, training for a marathon and am back to my fighting weight. But where is the fun in that. And even though I know she purposefully made jabs about my home, I find myself wanting to clarify to her that I staged that photo and actually messed up my bed. Ahh....mothers! Can't wait to pass all this knowledge to my little ones.....or not. I have to go. Mike will be home soon and I have legs to shave, hair to dry and perfume to put on.