Happy 4th Birthday Zach

     January 20th is my son Zachary's birthday. The scars of his death are still fresh, like a newly severed limb but I find that as with his birthdays before, I always find myself at a loss of what to do to survive it. I find myself thinking it is one more year without him or one more year closer to being with him again depending on my testimony. Writing about the day I think we would have had together makes things a little more tolerable. And I write for no one but myself. But I know, unfortunately, there are other mothers out there with the same devastating loss and would love to know if this gets easier and if there is anything that you do to mark this day that helps you overcome the loss? 

     Today is Zach's fourth birthday. He has been thinking about this day for so long now that I am afraid he may pass out when I tell him that today is, in fact, the day we are having his party. It all started earlier this month when he came across us looking at pictures from his older brother and idol,Golden's, fourth birthday. "I want to be a cowboy too." he shouted. He shortened the chant to "Cowboy! Cowboy!" but the meaning was the same. He wanted us to dress up like cowboys and indians. And of course, he wanted pony rides.
   
     So, this morning we sneaked into his room with balloons, a belt for his pistols and a white cowboy hat.  "Happy Birthday, Zach." He almost fell off the bed when he stood up to put them on. "Golden, you will be the bad guy and chase me. Let's go!" I knew what Golden was thinking before he said it, "I am NOT the bad guy. I am only a good guy." Tenderly, Zach reached out and cupped Golden's face in his chubby little hands. "Pweeze, Go-go!" Mike and I squeezed each other's hands as we watched Zach at work. He knew how to work his big brother. He would eventually get his way because Golden had a soft spot for him. We left them alone to fight it out  in a tickle fight which is how things usually were settled between them. Muffled giggles could be heard through the door already.
   
     A few hours later and at least one hundred, "Is it time yet?"inquiries, the party was in full swing. The girls and I dressed as Indian princesses while the boys wore their boots and chaps. "Where is the pony?"Zach asked. I bent down with a frown on my face. "I'm sorry, Papito. I couldn't get a pony for today but I did get you this." I hand him a wooden stick horse and watch him slowly turn it around and around in his hand. Without an ounce of anger, he looks up at me and I can't help but touch his cheek because his mossy green eyes still take my breath away. "It's okay, Mommy. Don't be sad. I can ride this horsey too."He gallops in a circle around me as I watch his messy blond curls bounce up and down. Before I can tell him the real surprise is outside, Golden comes running up behind us carrying a squealing Carlos. Carlos is wearing the black cowboy hat and Golden is helping him hold the big pistol in his little hands. "Coyote Carlos is coming to get you Zach. You better run." Zachary screams with delight and gallops away shooting over his shoulder. I knew big brother would make a "bad guy" exception for him.
   
     As the boys run out into the yard they run smack into the surprise. A big white pony. Mike scoops him up and laughs at Zach's silent jaw dropping stare. "Mommy was just teasing you, big guy." After a dozen pony rides, hot dogs, face painting and cake we call the party officially over. "I'm a big boy now, Eva. I am fow yearfs old," he tells his sister as he holds up five fingers. She stifles a laugh. "Look how strong I am." He tries to lift Beau up but gets his six shooter caught in the chair. Beau just giggles and rubs his head as he strains to lift her. "Oh-no, Zachy! Oh-no!" Before he knows it, the triplets have each stolen a pistol and his hat and he is in a full out foot race to retrieve them.

          By the end of the night, I am exhausted but pleased at how the party turned out. Carlos comes into our room in his Star Wars pjs, holding his six shooter. He looks just like Golden but with Carlos' blond hair. "Can I cuddle with you a widdle?" he asks, already half way up the bed. 

  "I thought you were a big boy now," Mike teases him as he squeezes in between us. "I'm not that big yet, daddy." Mike and I listen to him chatter away about his day- How he couldn't pick a favorite moment. How he is going to ask Santa for his own pony. How Coyote Carlos had almost gotten him if it wasn't for Good Luck Gigi helping him save the day. Finally, he yawns then falls asleep. Mike and I just look at one another and smile. "You want to put him in his bed?" he asks me. "I don't know. Do you?" I ask him back. There is still so much to do outside. Cleaning up, laundry, and dishes. We both stay quiet, having an internal conversation with one another and finally pull the covers up and get comfortable. We know the answer already. Let him be our little baby just one more night. This moment will disappear in an instant if we let it. "You are my miracle, Zach. I love you so much," I whisper in his ear as I do every night since he was born. How blessed we are to have him in our lives. Completing this crazy group of people we call our family.


I love you Zachy Bear, Love Mommy.

The Very First Garage Sale Tale

     Almost a year and a half after moving here, I had only two days to clean my garage. I rented a Pod for a month in January, telling myself if I procrastinated it would cost me big money. (Always a motivator for me). At first, the task seemed daunting. When we first moved here we lived in almost 6000sq feet and a pole barn. My excuse for most things these days is the triplets were pretty much crowning during the move and I had no time to organize a proper garage sale then. So....everything came with us and filled our two car garage to the point I couldn't walk through most of it. 

The before shot. This was the clean side of the garage

   When you start cleaning a garage, at least for me, my first concern was the producers of " Hoarders" was going to pull up to my driveway. The second concern was that now my neighbors could take a peek at my dark secret. I was almost willing to go stand out front and flash my underwear hoping to distract the passers by. But once I took out the first three large items and separated my driveway into "trash" "garage sale" and "keep", I was on fire. It felt like a spiritual high to be getting my garage, and subconsciously, my mind, in order. 

     I was so tired after the cleansing, that I really debated whether I wanted to try a garage sale at all. But, January for the Harris family is a sad time and I needed something to keep me busy.Thus, the garage sale extravaganza came to fruition. I put an add in the paper Wednesday to seal it in stone and spent the babies' nap time Thursday sorting things up in the Pod. And to make it super fun, I baked cookies all night for the kids to sell. 

     We set up at 7:30 and I had a mini panic attack thinking no one was going to show up. But I shook it off and went outside to set up. To add to the adventure the weather was a balmy 40 degrees that morning in Florida. Four hours in an episode of garage sale survivor I thought to myself. Maybe I would just stay inside and scream at the people through the window to leave their money on the doorstep and leave. Or maybe I would just pay them to go away. The fire that got me going was when my husband and our friend Juan began to snicker at some of the items I put out: snow tires, a used folded Mardi Gras sign, multiple appliance manuals. Juan laughed and told me "I will match any money you make from selling these manuals." Then my husband and him gave each other one of those knowing, "Women!" shrugs and laughed. 

Lesson Number One when dealing with Cubans: Don't underestimate them.

Lesson Number One when dealing with Cuban woman: Don't make us angry.

    My goal was to make $150 dollars, approximately, the price of the Pod for the month. My first customer came at 7:50 and bought my used up Mardi Gras sign and table ornament that was missing its base, and plastic cups I got for free during a Mardi Gras five years ago. I asked her if she wanted a manual but she declined. I was a bit disappointed. The second customer bought some pants and a picture frame without the glass. She too, declined the manual. At 8am people flocked in and I must say, the diverse amounts of folks we met that day was a treat that made the time fly. An artist came in and spent an hour telling me what she did which is pretty cool. She can take any picture of your kids art work and dye wool to match it and make a rug or purse with that design. An older woman named Dorothy spent almost three hours picking baby clothes that she, in turn, donates to the many shelters in town. So many people knew her at the garage sale. It warmed my heart to hear her stories. I was planning on giving her the box of clothes when she came to pay but someone beat me to it. A woman came up to me and gave me thirty dollars for her box so, in turn, I gave her another box of clothes. It was a good moment of feeling like things were right in the world. Later, Dorothy told me that today her sister was in the hospital and was probably going to die,and it was also the anniversary of her son's death. She said this made her day a bit brighter. I told her I completely understood having had a garage sale for the same reason. 

     Not all was fun and games, there were moments of fierce haggling. Like when a guy offered me a dollar for a Gloria Estefan album but I talked him down to fifty cents because it was in a box marked "fifty cent albums" Yeah, I'm a shark. I was a closer on several deals with the line, "What's the price that's going to get you to take this home?" All in all, the sale was a success. Especially when I sold four manuals. I decided that when people would come to pay I would ask them if they wanted one of their items for free. Their interest peaked I would then tell them I would sell them a manual for $1 then they could have one of their items for free. SOLD! The funny thing is that when I would hand them the manual(that they didn't want), most of them leafed through them and picked another manual instead of the one I gave them. Like they wanted to choose the junk they were getting. Whatever the case, the highlight of my day was when my husband and Juan returned from their outing and I asked him to pay up. In all, the clean up was pretty easy having sold most of the items. I made a little over $750 for four hours of work(not including the money we made from my cookies which Eva kept) and came away with some great stories. Where at first I felt embarrassed over someone picking through my stuff and judging me, in the end I felt disgusted that I would have been so quick to throw so much of my hard earned cash away. Lastly, I learned that most people announce their garage sales on Craigslist and that I could have had so much more traffic if I would have done that. Oh, well maybe next time.

New Years Thoughts

I had to give a talk at church about Elder Uchtdorf's Of Regrets and Resolutions general conference speech. After reading it I was left with several questions and thought I would leave them here for some end of year soul searching. I know that in my life, my family has always come first but sometimes that isn't enough. Sometimes, you need to magnify your calling as a parent and tell those around you what you think of them. Teach them to do the same because life is fleeting.

In the talk, Elder Uchtdorf stated the top statements heard by people reaching the end of their life. Here they are in bold face and my thoughts follow.

I Wish I had Spent More time with the People I love:

Who is my role model? Do they know it.

Who do I look up to ? Do they know it. 

Who is someone I love? Have I told them today? This week? This month?

What life lesson did someone teach me that made a huge difference in my life? Do they know?

If I had a month left in life, what would I do? Would I change what I normally do and who I am normally with? 

If I had a day, would this change?

I wish I Had Lived up to my Potential:

If I won the lottery how would my life be different? Would my relationship change with my family? Why? 

What is it about the money that makes it possible for me to be happier or fulfill the potential I think I have? Is there any other way to accomplish it even if it is harder and maybe  requires humility?

How would my life be different if I had no fear?

How would my life be different if I had no obstacles to overcome?Would it be better? Would I be better?

It there was nothing stopping me, what would I become…….

I wish I could be……..

Heavenly Father wishes I could be……Are these two questions answered the same?

I Wish I Had Let Myself be Happier

Joy is……

The thing that makes me happiest in life is……

The thing that I look forward to each day is….

The thing that makes me happy that I don't have in my life……Is this something Heavenly Father would want for me?Is there an alternative that makes me just as happy and is Heavenly Father okay with that?

What is my finish line?

What has made me happy in the journey so far……?Does it/ they know?

If I could do this year over again, I would ……..

If I could do this year over again, Heavenly Father would want……Are these two answers similar?

Of Resolutions:

Next years goals/ to do list…..How many are outwardly goals and how many are inwardly? Can I accomplish the inwardly ones first?

I will resolve to spend more time with the ones I love…..How?

I will strive more earnestly to become the person God wants me to be….How?

I resolve to find happiness, regardless of my circumstances. How daily? How monthly? 

The Triplets at 20 months

By now, my and my trips got a routine going. Most of the time at least. Carlos, my sweet beautiful boy whom I love dearly, has the nick name C-Le D, which stands for Carlos Le Douche. Why would we call him that. What else do you call a 20 month old that still wakes up in the middle of the night with an ear piercing cry or who uses said cry to tell you he is not going to nap for more than 15 minutes today? How do I tell him the absolute need for mommy alone time, and by that I mean time to do the laundry, make his lunch or help the big kids with their homework time. Yes, he is a challenge but when you pick him up he gives you one of his stellar hugs followed by his heart melting smiles and you forgot why you would ever call him such a thing....until he does it again. The girls sleep through the night together in the same room but nap time everyone is to their own corner because Gigi and Beau wind each other up and all you hear is baby gibberish followed by hysterical laughter and inevitably one or both climb out of their cribs. 

     They are all talking a lot but Beau is putting the most words together. I love how they wake up greeting each other and us with a "Hi mommy. Hi daddy. Hi Beau etc..." Carlos likes to keep it chill by waving his hand and saying "Hi guy" to everyone. They will say goodbye to everyone and everything as well. They are very well behaved kids but it doesn't make the day any less exhausting. But I wouldn't know what else to do if I didn't have these guys. It's forced me to step up my game as a parent and as a human being. I can see it in my older children too. How they are more patient and kind because of these kids. 

     Carlos climbs up to play on the computers a lot. Gigi likes a little iPad in the morning and Beau likes to sit on your lap when you need to move around the most. They all say "see-cio" in the morning when I start exercising and they all have their exercise moves that we have documented fully. Carlos likes to sit on  my during sit ups. Beau prefers the leg lifts and Gigi likes to rock in the chair and do arm exercises. They sure do know how to make me laugh. We go through a gallon and a half of milk each day and that still leaves them wanting more because they eat us out of fruit every other day. I can't complain because they have grown like weeds. What more could a mom ask for? I plan on teaching them how to follow me while holding a rope just like in pre school so we can make it out to the park next month and hopefully a plane trip soon.....Keep your fingers crossed.

Gigi our joker

Peek a boo time three

The girls like to hold multiple babies. I wonder why?

They have fancy hair

They are clowns

Blue Steel stare

The lover and most talkative of them all

Dress up each day varies.

But you better dress them both up and sing the princess song

Sometimes it's hard to be a superstar

A moment of peace.

Halloween Recap

Happy Halloween!

My candy monster sure is cute

A flower among the thorns

Golden's Halloween party got wrapped

The other three amigos

The babies enjoyed all the festivities too

The three amigos decorating rice crispy treats

Little bo peep gathers her sheep

And some vampires and jedi's too

Golden's 11th Birthday Party....I know we were late

I know the year is almost over but I had to put in Golden's September birthday party photos or I would never forgive myself. At least we celebrated it on time. We went to Sam's Fun City, which is a kid on speed sort of creation. Sensory overload a minute after you step foot inside. Arcade games that feed you tickets to purchase your heart's desires (If your desire is a ten cent piece of garbage you would of never even thought of buying), an entire carnival of rides outside, go kart racing and finally, laser tag. What more could a kid ask for. I must say my favorite was watching the kids on the go karts. The crashes were spectacular and just by their driving, you got an insight into who these kids were. Just my kids alone: Eva was focused with a furrowed brow trying hard to be the first and best at this task. Golden, he was driving along, surprised when the road just changed on him abruptly but taking it all in with a little "Oh no!" Never really noticing who was in the lead or not. Our dear friend Jeremy had to ride with his daughter scout. Funny to see him speeding by the kids, lapping most of them. I think he enjoyed it but he kept a good poker face on for us. In laser tag, Eva commented that Jeremy hit the most targets and "I never saw him mom" How intuitive that child is since Jeremy is a sniper in life. Jeremy 11000 - kids 10. I hated to think my boy was growing up but it's impossible to ignore since he has grown a foot in less than a month and a half. But he will always be my first little guy. I love you Golden.

Jeremy with Scout on the twirly thingy.

Carlos dressed up for the occasion

Eva was calm as usual.

Golden is never scared.

What is he wishing for I wonder?

Ready

Set

Go-Go!

Christmas 2012

Well, another Christmas has come and gone in our new Florida home. How blessed we have been this year. The in laws came down for the duration and the kids have had special bonding time with them and Golden was blown away with his air gun that Grandpa gave him. We were visited again by our elf, Christopher, and I swear that he is getting more mischievous the each year. He even toilet papered our tree and ran over our nutcracker with Santa's sleigh. Is there nothing sacred to that little man. We continued with our usual traditions of having a picture ornament tree. It is getting full quickly now that the triplets are adding to it as well. We celebrated Noche Buena and opened one gift and on Christmas day we have breakfast after we open presents because who can wait that long. Eva and I made pom pom balls for wrapping our presents as well as pom pom wreaths. We also learned how to finger knit and made knitted garlands for the house and tree. Quite impressed with that one. No holiday is complete without making our ginger bread house, Christmas cookies and, in general, a lot of sweets.
     Eva auditioned and was picked for the Ballet Pensacola's performance of the Nutcracker this year. We were so proud but were never allowed a moment with her in costume so all I can show you is the beautiful curls I had to do in her hair for three performances. Whew! Lots of hair on that girl. But my happiest moments were of us, climbing into bed at night and watching Elf or Fred Claus (which makes Golden laugh until the air is all but gone from his body). Or simply the not having any school or activities to run to but simply having all these days to spend with one another. It will be missed once the new year begins.

Bad Christopher!

He got bored sometimes.

Somebody has some Santa anger issues they need to address

Chris left out his update to Santa one day.

Does the dog know he's not human?

Golden is almost as tall as grandpa

What fun they have

The start of something cool

Its the journey and not the final destination with these things

Beau with her multiples dolls. It's how they play.

Finger knitting with my girl

Our 2012 snow globes

Golden loved his Star Wars advent calender

Adding to my Nutcracker collection

Golden and Eva had their piano recitals too

The family joker.

Merry Christmas, from our family to yours.