Happy 7th Birthday Zachary

     I look out the window again, finding Zach diligently tossing the ball repeatedly to Aspen. Neither one has shown the slightest bit of fatigue over this latest game of fetch that has lasted well into the late hours of dusk. While he tries to squeeze the last bit of activity into this, the busiest day of the week, I am trying my best not to climb into bed. Both of us waiting on Mike to get back home.  

     As every birthday goes in our house, we begin the day with hugs and kisses, a birthday plate left out for the special day piled with whatever the birthday boy desires for breakfast. It was a school day so, of course, two dozen cupcakes are delivered to the classroom and a loud, unharmonized version of Happy Birthday is sung by his peers.    I am humbled by how much Zach is loved by his classmates and teachers who all have wished him well today. 

     After school, we piled into the car and made it to daddy's work where, yet another birthday cake and chorus of Happy Birthday is sung to him by the office staff and his siblings. Mike looks so proud showing off his son to his patients, who stand out the doors of their rooms peeking out at the raucous going on. I see Mike whispering into Zach's ear and see how our son's face lights up with whatever the two have shared. They are always thick as thieves these two. I feel with every day that goes by my son is drifting farther and farther away from the little boy I loved to hold in my arms each night. Now, he is growing into a little man that wants to be just like his dad, dress like his dad, hang out with his dad, play video games with his dad. I am the "in between" parent. The one who gets hugs in between running out of the house, or getting a bowl of popcorn from the kitchen, or walking back to his room to finish homework. I am the afterthought of daily activity, yet, I know that he loves me just the same because he never lets the "in between" moments seem meaningless. He knows I need a stronger hug than his dad, a longer kiss, a warmer smile. How can I complain that he is becoming more independent. 

     Daddy arrives home and a deafening ring can be heard in the house as seven children scream with excitement as he enters the house. I love this scene, it never gets old. It is a rock star welcome and Zach is the president of the fan club. I'm taken back by  how long my son's legs appear as he get's a piggy back ride into the house. Where did those chubby little thighs go? When did they get replaced by the long sinewy muscles? When the initial excitement dies down we manage to eat dinner and have the last birthday cake of the evening but I notice Zach hasn't touched his slice. I'm sure he is probably in a sugar coma by now. The kids give him their gifts which seem both comical and yet so touching. Zach holds each gift as if it were made of gold, mesmerized at their craftsmanship, he doesn't miss the opportunity to thank them and hug them, making sure each sibling knows how much he appreciates them. I feel tears threatening to come but I shake them away. He's seven, I remind myself, not seventeen. 

     Finally, when the babes are put to bed I see those two buddies whispering again and smiling. I little pang of jealousy hits me but I ignore it. I know he will come say goodnight to me before he goes to bed. I go to my room to get ready for bed and find that Mike and Zach have followed me in. Both still smiling from ear to ear. 

"Go ahead, tell her," Mike says. 
"Tell me what?" I ask. 

     Zach walks towards me and from behind his back he pulls out two pieces of cake and hands them to me. "For my birthday, dad is letting me sleep in your bed tonight." I look up at Mike who is looking at me knowing without my even saying a word what my heart is  singing. 
"This is really what you want to do, Zach?" 
"Are you kidding, mom? Cake in bed, a movie with you guys. I've been asking dad for months." 

  I can't remember who jumped in bed faster but I think it was close. It may be seven years since I gave birth to this boy who is quickly becoming a man but tonight he wants to still be my baby. Why would I complain. Hours later, the TV is off, the room is still and I can see my son's sweet face in the moonlight. He is a little bookend to my husband lying just across from him. I can't help but smile at the sight. I stretch out and am about to roll over when I feel Zach's arm wrap around mine as he snuggles in to me. Now, in the dark, when no one is around, I let my tears come. Whether they are tears of joy or sadness I do not know, I'm too tired to diferrentiate them. All I do know is that I am grateful. So grateful my heart could burst. 
Happy Birthday Zachary, my sweet boy. I love you to pieces. 

Happy 4th Birthday Zach

     January 20th is my son Zachary's birthday. The scars of his death are still fresh, like a newly severed limb but I find that as with his birthdays before, I always find myself at a loss of what to do to survive it. I find myself thinking it is one more year without him or one more year closer to being with him again depending on my testimony. Writing about the day I think we would have had together makes things a little more tolerable. And I write for no one but myself. But I know, unfortunately, there are other mothers out there with the same devastating loss and would love to know if this gets easier and if there is anything that you do to mark this day that helps you overcome the loss? 

     Today is Zach's fourth birthday. He has been thinking about this day for so long now that I am afraid he may pass out when I tell him that today is, in fact, the day we are having his party. It all started earlier this month when he came across us looking at pictures from his older brother and idol,Golden's, fourth birthday. "I want to be a cowboy too." he shouted. He shortened the chant to "Cowboy! Cowboy!" but the meaning was the same. He wanted us to dress up like cowboys and indians. And of course, he wanted pony rides.
   
     So, this morning we sneaked into his room with balloons, a belt for his pistols and a white cowboy hat.  "Happy Birthday, Zach." He almost fell off the bed when he stood up to put them on. "Golden, you will be the bad guy and chase me. Let's go!" I knew what Golden was thinking before he said it, "I am NOT the bad guy. I am only a good guy." Tenderly, Zach reached out and cupped Golden's face in his chubby little hands. "Pweeze, Go-go!" Mike and I squeezed each other's hands as we watched Zach at work. He knew how to work his big brother. He would eventually get his way because Golden had a soft spot for him. We left them alone to fight it out  in a tickle fight which is how things usually were settled between them. Muffled giggles could be heard through the door already.
   
     A few hours later and at least one hundred, "Is it time yet?"inquiries, the party was in full swing. The girls and I dressed as Indian princesses while the boys wore their boots and chaps. "Where is the pony?"Zach asked. I bent down with a frown on my face. "I'm sorry, Papito. I couldn't get a pony for today but I did get you this." I hand him a wooden stick horse and watch him slowly turn it around and around in his hand. Without an ounce of anger, he looks up at me and I can't help but touch his cheek because his mossy green eyes still take my breath away. "It's okay, Mommy. Don't be sad. I can ride this horsey too."He gallops in a circle around me as I watch his messy blond curls bounce up and down. Before I can tell him the real surprise is outside, Golden comes running up behind us carrying a squealing Carlos. Carlos is wearing the black cowboy hat and Golden is helping him hold the big pistol in his little hands. "Coyote Carlos is coming to get you Zach. You better run." Zachary screams with delight and gallops away shooting over his shoulder. I knew big brother would make a "bad guy" exception for him.
   
     As the boys run out into the yard they run smack into the surprise. A big white pony. Mike scoops him up and laughs at Zach's silent jaw dropping stare. "Mommy was just teasing you, big guy." After a dozen pony rides, hot dogs, face painting and cake we call the party officially over. "I'm a big boy now, Eva. I am fow yearfs old," he tells his sister as he holds up five fingers. She stifles a laugh. "Look how strong I am." He tries to lift Beau up but gets his six shooter caught in the chair. Beau just giggles and rubs his head as he strains to lift her. "Oh-no, Zachy! Oh-no!" Before he knows it, the triplets have each stolen a pistol and his hat and he is in a full out foot race to retrieve them.

          By the end of the night, I am exhausted but pleased at how the party turned out. Carlos comes into our room in his Star Wars pjs, holding his six shooter. He looks just like Golden but with Carlos' blond hair. "Can I cuddle with you a widdle?" he asks, already half way up the bed. 

  "I thought you were a big boy now," Mike teases him as he squeezes in between us. "I'm not that big yet, daddy." Mike and I listen to him chatter away about his day- How he couldn't pick a favorite moment. How he is going to ask Santa for his own pony. How Coyote Carlos had almost gotten him if it wasn't for Good Luck Gigi helping him save the day. Finally, he yawns then falls asleep. Mike and I just look at one another and smile. "You want to put him in his bed?" he asks me. "I don't know. Do you?" I ask him back. There is still so much to do outside. Cleaning up, laundry, and dishes. We both stay quiet, having an internal conversation with one another and finally pull the covers up and get comfortable. We know the answer already. Let him be our little baby just one more night. This moment will disappear in an instant if we let it. "You are my miracle, Zach. I love you so much," I whisper in his ear as I do every night since he was born. How blessed we are to have him in our lives. Completing this crazy group of people we call our family.


I love you Zachy Bear, Love Mommy.