Happy 7th Birthday Zachary

     I look out the window again, finding Zach diligently tossing the ball repeatedly to Aspen. Neither one has shown the slightest bit of fatigue over this latest game of fetch that has lasted well into the late hours of dusk. While he tries to squeeze the last bit of activity into this, the busiest day of the week, I am trying my best not to climb into bed. Both of us waiting on Mike to get back home.  

     As every birthday goes in our house, we begin the day with hugs and kisses, a birthday plate left out for the special day piled with whatever the birthday boy desires for breakfast. It was a school day so, of course, two dozen cupcakes are delivered to the classroom and a loud, unharmonized version of Happy Birthday is sung by his peers.    I am humbled by how much Zach is loved by his classmates and teachers who all have wished him well today. 

     After school, we piled into the car and made it to daddy's work where, yet another birthday cake and chorus of Happy Birthday is sung to him by the office staff and his siblings. Mike looks so proud showing off his son to his patients, who stand out the doors of their rooms peeking out at the raucous going on. I see Mike whispering into Zach's ear and see how our son's face lights up with whatever the two have shared. They are always thick as thieves these two. I feel with every day that goes by my son is drifting farther and farther away from the little boy I loved to hold in my arms each night. Now, he is growing into a little man that wants to be just like his dad, dress like his dad, hang out with his dad, play video games with his dad. I am the "in between" parent. The one who gets hugs in between running out of the house, or getting a bowl of popcorn from the kitchen, or walking back to his room to finish homework. I am the afterthought of daily activity, yet, I know that he loves me just the same because he never lets the "in between" moments seem meaningless. He knows I need a stronger hug than his dad, a longer kiss, a warmer smile. How can I complain that he is becoming more independent. 

     Daddy arrives home and a deafening ring can be heard in the house as seven children scream with excitement as he enters the house. I love this scene, it never gets old. It is a rock star welcome and Zach is the president of the fan club. I'm taken back by  how long my son's legs appear as he get's a piggy back ride into the house. Where did those chubby little thighs go? When did they get replaced by the long sinewy muscles? When the initial excitement dies down we manage to eat dinner and have the last birthday cake of the evening but I notice Zach hasn't touched his slice. I'm sure he is probably in a sugar coma by now. The kids give him their gifts which seem both comical and yet so touching. Zach holds each gift as if it were made of gold, mesmerized at their craftsmanship, he doesn't miss the opportunity to thank them and hug them, making sure each sibling knows how much he appreciates them. I feel tears threatening to come but I shake them away. He's seven, I remind myself, not seventeen. 

     Finally, when the babes are put to bed I see those two buddies whispering again and smiling. I little pang of jealousy hits me but I ignore it. I know he will come say goodnight to me before he goes to bed. I go to my room to get ready for bed and find that Mike and Zach have followed me in. Both still smiling from ear to ear. 

"Go ahead, tell her," Mike says. 
"Tell me what?" I ask. 

     Zach walks towards me and from behind his back he pulls out two pieces of cake and hands them to me. "For my birthday, dad is letting me sleep in your bed tonight." I look up at Mike who is looking at me knowing without my even saying a word what my heart is  singing. 
"This is really what you want to do, Zach?" 
"Are you kidding, mom? Cake in bed, a movie with you guys. I've been asking dad for months." 

  I can't remember who jumped in bed faster but I think it was close. It may be seven years since I gave birth to this boy who is quickly becoming a man but tonight he wants to still be my baby. Why would I complain. Hours later, the TV is off, the room is still and I can see my son's sweet face in the moonlight. He is a little bookend to my husband lying just across from him. I can't help but smile at the sight. I stretch out and am about to roll over when I feel Zach's arm wrap around mine as he snuggles in to me. Now, in the dark, when no one is around, I let my tears come. Whether they are tears of joy or sadness I do not know, I'm too tired to diferrentiate them. All I do know is that I am grateful. So grateful my heart could burst. 
Happy Birthday Zachary, my sweet boy. I love you to pieces. 

Happy 6th Birthday Zachary

I write a blog post each year about my son Zachary who passed away January 20, 2009. I imagine what the day would have been like with him here. It helps me to put aside my grief and think of him fondly. 

     I've done a lot of spying in my life but it's usually to catch a liar or a rule breaker. Although my spying is limited to my children at the moment I believe I might rent out my services one day.I am that good. But today is different. I am standing just outside of a kindergarten classroom doing my best to look through the glass partition without being noticed by one Zachary Harris, a.k.a. Don Lover Boy. I shouldn't be here really but I lie to myself and say it's because it's his birthday and I am simply popping in to surprise him but the truth is I am here in case he needs me. 

   I became worried this past weekend when we celebrated his birthday at the house. In an attempt to placate his need to be responsible I gave him his invitations to pass out at school. He came home beaming and said that he had given everyone he cared about an invite and couldn't wait for his birthday party. We had planned a party for twenty two sugar fueled six year olds and were surprised when after an hour only one girl had shown up. Wanting to make the best of a dismal turn out we decided we would lie and told Zach that we were sorry but most everyone had called and was sick with a stomach bug. With a confused look on his face he turned to us and asked, "What do you mean? I only invited Madison." We were stunned into silence. 

    The party was a bit awkward as all Zach wanted to do was stare at Madison and all Madison seemed to care about was playing with his sisters' dolls. Whenever he would come near her she would get up and find a new place to play. By the time Madison's mom picked her up Mike and I knew two things for certain: Zach had his first full fledged crush and Madison could care less about him. Part of me was mad at six year old Madison for not recognizing what a great catch she was throwing away. Zach had excelled at kindergarten. He was taller than everyone else, a natural athlete, could recite his ABC's in two languages and had not had a single bathroom accident to date. Not to mention he was the cutest little guy in that school with his long eyelashes, olive skin and sandy blond hair. But I didn't let her poor life choices affect me much. I only stayed up half the night worried about my son getting his poor little heart broken by a woman who did not value his worth. 

   The truth was that Kindergarten was a bit harder than I had expected it to be, not for Zachary but for me. It seemed that in a blink of an eye he stopped being my baby and became this little version of Mike. He got himself dressed in the morning and brushed his teeth and hair without my needing to remind him. He looked forward to going to school and it hurt just a little bit when he ran right into the school without a single look back at me that first day and every day since. Sure he let me hug and kiss him but the times he seeked me out were becoming fewer and far between. He spent more time playing games with his older brother and father than he did cooking with me in the kitchen. With his new independence came some scrapes and bruises but until Madison came into the picture, they were mostly on the outside. I just seemed to have trouble with the concept that he was going to have battles I couldn't fight and scars I couldn't prevent and that is why I stood outside of a classroom waiting to see if my son got his heart broken. 

  As if on cue, I saw Madison push my son away and storm off with another boy to the reading area. Zach just stood their motionless as I walked in carrying cupcakes for the class. My heart was breaking for him but I knew there was nothing I could do but just be there if he needed me. After the class sang him "Happy Birthday" I sat down next to him and asked him how he was doing. With a far away look in his eyes he told me that things with Madison hadn't worked out. I took his little hands in mine and was ready to give him the pep talk I had prepared in my sleepless night when he looked me in the eyes and said, "I had to break up with her mom. I just love someone else." I found myself mute for the second time in a week. "I love Zoe mom," he said as he waved at a cute little girl who had just raised her head from praying over her cupcake and immediately she smiled back at him. "She's just like you". He sighed and looked at me. "She lets me eat half her sandwich every day at lunch." 

 I was relieved to find that his sixth birthday would be joyous one after all and that love was alive and well in the kindergarten world of Gulf Breeze, Florida. And was changing on a minute by minute pace. Just when I thought the day couldn't get better Zachary crawled up into my lap and put his arms around me. "But your sandwiches taste a lot better mom." 


  It warmed my heart that he was mine for at least a few more years. Zoe was just going to have to learn to share. I broke my public display rule with my little man and squeezed him tight and kissed him on the neck till he burst out laughing and then I thanked my Heavenly Father for letting me know that my bright son had already learned the most important lesson in life when it came to an eternal companion; to seek someone who loves the Lord and you selflessly. 

Happy Birthday my sweet Zachary. I miss you like my bones are broken. 


   

    

Happy 5th Birthday Zachary

For those who haven't followed me before. My son Zachary passed away in 2009. Since then, on his birthday I write what I believe would have happened on that day. It helps with my grief and keeps me close to my son. 

     It's early morning and Mike and I can hear the pitter patter of busy feet upstairs. We smile at each other knowing that soon Zachary will be coming down the stairs with Carlos close behind. What we don't know is what he will be wearing today. 

    Carlos suddenly plops down the steps on his butt, greeting us with a big smile and wearing a towel wrapped around his neck. Right behind him, wearing nothing but a brown towel around his neck, barbie sunglasses with the lenses popped out and dinosaur underwear is Zach. "Mom, Carlos doesn't play right. Make him play right." It seems that since watching Harry Potter last week, Zach has been enthralled with all things relating to the movie and has taken to dressing like Harry which today seems to require his sisters sunglasses and towels.

     Even though I know exactly what my son means I feign ignorance. This makes Zach pause and look at me as if I am a young, deaf, foreigner. "He-doesn't-play-right." He grabs two straws tucked in his underwear and gives one to Carlos. "Okay. You are Malfoy.When I throw a spell at you duck and try and throw one back at me." Carlos takes the straw and smiles from his brother to me. Zachary is the picture of concentration at this point. He points his straw at Carlos and yells, "Stupefy!" Carlos jumps up and down and chases Zach with the straw placed squarely between his lips. When he reaches him he drops the straw and kisses him on the hand and chest before running away. "No, Carlos. You are supposed to be stupefied! Stop kissing me." 

    Mike can see Zach is about to reach his breaking point and picks up Carlos' straw. "Maybe I could do a better job at this game, son, since I am from the House of Slitherin." Zach's mouth opens in shock. "You are!" Mike nods knowingly. "Yes, so prepare to be beaten." Zach runs to the corner of the room and points his "wand" at his father and yells. "Stupefy" Mike writhes in agony and is suddenly frozen but manages through gritted teeth to yell out. "Tarantellegra!" Zach, who has taken cover behind a chair stands up slowly. "What's that spell?" he asks his father. 
"It's a spell that makes you dance." I say. "And he got you fair and square." Zach smiles and runs to me and begins to dance around his petrified father. He then picks up his wand and points it at me.  "Tarantellegra!" Suddenly, I start dancing wildly around his father with him. Both of us giggling. Soon, the poor excuse for a Malfoy, Gigi, Beau, Eva and even Golden are jerking, giggling and dancing around dad. 

     "If you release daddy we will give you your present." I say. Zach releases him eager to move on with the present portion of the morning and Mike makes a good show of becoming un-petrified. When we are all huddled around Zach, Mike hands him the very tiny box which Zach eyes curiously. Slowly he opens it only to find a small card inside with a magnetic strip. "What is it?" he asks. 
Golden can't keep the secret any longer. "It's a ticket to Harry Potter World in Orlando!" Now Zach looks like he has been stupefied. He barely moves for half a minute before breaking out in a loud roar. "Oh Wow! Really? When? Really?" Mike puts him on his lap. How does today sound, son? Or would you rather we wait? 
Zach jumps down and runs to the door. "Let's go! I'm going to get a wand first. No. First I'm going to the candy store. No. The rides first…" 

     We can't help but laugh at his enthusiasm. It was just the reaction we were hoping for. He is such a good boy that I would give him the moon if he asked for it. But today a car ride is all he needs to keep him smiling for a good several months and that is all a parent could ask for. "First, shouldn't you put on some pants, baby." I say picking him up in my arms and wondering how much longer before I can't do this anymore. He grabs both sides of my face and kisses me from one side to the other. "I love you so much mommy! This is the best birthday ever." I pull him in close and take in his sweet smell. I can never get enough of this boy. "I love you beyond words my sweet boy!" I reply finding it hard not to hold back tears thinking how complete my life is with him in it.

Happy Birthday Zachary, Love Mami

Happy 4th Birthday Zach

     January 20th is my son Zachary's birthday. The scars of his death are still fresh, like a newly severed limb but I find that as with his birthdays before, I always find myself at a loss of what to do to survive it. I find myself thinking it is one more year without him or one more year closer to being with him again depending on my testimony. Writing about the day I think we would have had together makes things a little more tolerable. And I write for no one but myself. But I know, unfortunately, there are other mothers out there with the same devastating loss and would love to know if this gets easier and if there is anything that you do to mark this day that helps you overcome the loss? 

     Today is Zach's fourth birthday. He has been thinking about this day for so long now that I am afraid he may pass out when I tell him that today is, in fact, the day we are having his party. It all started earlier this month when he came across us looking at pictures from his older brother and idol,Golden's, fourth birthday. "I want to be a cowboy too." he shouted. He shortened the chant to "Cowboy! Cowboy!" but the meaning was the same. He wanted us to dress up like cowboys and indians. And of course, he wanted pony rides.
   
     So, this morning we sneaked into his room with balloons, a belt for his pistols and a white cowboy hat.  "Happy Birthday, Zach." He almost fell off the bed when he stood up to put them on. "Golden, you will be the bad guy and chase me. Let's go!" I knew what Golden was thinking before he said it, "I am NOT the bad guy. I am only a good guy." Tenderly, Zach reached out and cupped Golden's face in his chubby little hands. "Pweeze, Go-go!" Mike and I squeezed each other's hands as we watched Zach at work. He knew how to work his big brother. He would eventually get his way because Golden had a soft spot for him. We left them alone to fight it out  in a tickle fight which is how things usually were settled between them. Muffled giggles could be heard through the door already.
   
     A few hours later and at least one hundred, "Is it time yet?"inquiries, the party was in full swing. The girls and I dressed as Indian princesses while the boys wore their boots and chaps. "Where is the pony?"Zach asked. I bent down with a frown on my face. "I'm sorry, Papito. I couldn't get a pony for today but I did get you this." I hand him a wooden stick horse and watch him slowly turn it around and around in his hand. Without an ounce of anger, he looks up at me and I can't help but touch his cheek because his mossy green eyes still take my breath away. "It's okay, Mommy. Don't be sad. I can ride this horsey too."He gallops in a circle around me as I watch his messy blond curls bounce up and down. Before I can tell him the real surprise is outside, Golden comes running up behind us carrying a squealing Carlos. Carlos is wearing the black cowboy hat and Golden is helping him hold the big pistol in his little hands. "Coyote Carlos is coming to get you Zach. You better run." Zachary screams with delight and gallops away shooting over his shoulder. I knew big brother would make a "bad guy" exception for him.
   
     As the boys run out into the yard they run smack into the surprise. A big white pony. Mike scoops him up and laughs at Zach's silent jaw dropping stare. "Mommy was just teasing you, big guy." After a dozen pony rides, hot dogs, face painting and cake we call the party officially over. "I'm a big boy now, Eva. I am fow yearfs old," he tells his sister as he holds up five fingers. She stifles a laugh. "Look how strong I am." He tries to lift Beau up but gets his six shooter caught in the chair. Beau just giggles and rubs his head as he strains to lift her. "Oh-no, Zachy! Oh-no!" Before he knows it, the triplets have each stolen a pistol and his hat and he is in a full out foot race to retrieve them.

          By the end of the night, I am exhausted but pleased at how the party turned out. Carlos comes into our room in his Star Wars pjs, holding his six shooter. He looks just like Golden but with Carlos' blond hair. "Can I cuddle with you a widdle?" he asks, already half way up the bed. 

  "I thought you were a big boy now," Mike teases him as he squeezes in between us. "I'm not that big yet, daddy." Mike and I listen to him chatter away about his day- How he couldn't pick a favorite moment. How he is going to ask Santa for his own pony. How Coyote Carlos had almost gotten him if it wasn't for Good Luck Gigi helping him save the day. Finally, he yawns then falls asleep. Mike and I just look at one another and smile. "You want to put him in his bed?" he asks me. "I don't know. Do you?" I ask him back. There is still so much to do outside. Cleaning up, laundry, and dishes. We both stay quiet, having an internal conversation with one another and finally pull the covers up and get comfortable. We know the answer already. Let him be our little baby just one more night. This moment will disappear in an instant if we let it. "You are my miracle, Zach. I love you so much," I whisper in his ear as I do every night since he was born. How blessed we are to have him in our lives. Completing this crazy group of people we call our family.


I love you Zachy Bear, Love Mommy.