Happy 4th Birthday Zach

     January 20th is my son Zachary's birthday. The scars of his death are still fresh, like a newly severed limb but I find that as with his birthdays before, I always find myself at a loss of what to do to survive it. I find myself thinking it is one more year without him or one more year closer to being with him again depending on my testimony. Writing about the day I think we would have had together makes things a little more tolerable. And I write for no one but myself. But I know, unfortunately, there are other mothers out there with the same devastating loss and would love to know if this gets easier and if there is anything that you do to mark this day that helps you overcome the loss? 

     Today is Zach's fourth birthday. He has been thinking about this day for so long now that I am afraid he may pass out when I tell him that today is, in fact, the day we are having his party. It all started earlier this month when he came across us looking at pictures from his older brother and idol,Golden's, fourth birthday. "I want to be a cowboy too." he shouted. He shortened the chant to "Cowboy! Cowboy!" but the meaning was the same. He wanted us to dress up like cowboys and indians. And of course, he wanted pony rides.
   
     So, this morning we sneaked into his room with balloons, a belt for his pistols and a white cowboy hat.  "Happy Birthday, Zach." He almost fell off the bed when he stood up to put them on. "Golden, you will be the bad guy and chase me. Let's go!" I knew what Golden was thinking before he said it, "I am NOT the bad guy. I am only a good guy." Tenderly, Zach reached out and cupped Golden's face in his chubby little hands. "Pweeze, Go-go!" Mike and I squeezed each other's hands as we watched Zach at work. He knew how to work his big brother. He would eventually get his way because Golden had a soft spot for him. We left them alone to fight it out  in a tickle fight which is how things usually were settled between them. Muffled giggles could be heard through the door already.
   
     A few hours later and at least one hundred, "Is it time yet?"inquiries, the party was in full swing. The girls and I dressed as Indian princesses while the boys wore their boots and chaps. "Where is the pony?"Zach asked. I bent down with a frown on my face. "I'm sorry, Papito. I couldn't get a pony for today but I did get you this." I hand him a wooden stick horse and watch him slowly turn it around and around in his hand. Without an ounce of anger, he looks up at me and I can't help but touch his cheek because his mossy green eyes still take my breath away. "It's okay, Mommy. Don't be sad. I can ride this horsey too."He gallops in a circle around me as I watch his messy blond curls bounce up and down. Before I can tell him the real surprise is outside, Golden comes running up behind us carrying a squealing Carlos. Carlos is wearing the black cowboy hat and Golden is helping him hold the big pistol in his little hands. "Coyote Carlos is coming to get you Zach. You better run." Zachary screams with delight and gallops away shooting over his shoulder. I knew big brother would make a "bad guy" exception for him.
   
     As the boys run out into the yard they run smack into the surprise. A big white pony. Mike scoops him up and laughs at Zach's silent jaw dropping stare. "Mommy was just teasing you, big guy." After a dozen pony rides, hot dogs, face painting and cake we call the party officially over. "I'm a big boy now, Eva. I am fow yearfs old," he tells his sister as he holds up five fingers. She stifles a laugh. "Look how strong I am." He tries to lift Beau up but gets his six shooter caught in the chair. Beau just giggles and rubs his head as he strains to lift her. "Oh-no, Zachy! Oh-no!" Before he knows it, the triplets have each stolen a pistol and his hat and he is in a full out foot race to retrieve them.

          By the end of the night, I am exhausted but pleased at how the party turned out. Carlos comes into our room in his Star Wars pjs, holding his six shooter. He looks just like Golden but with Carlos' blond hair. "Can I cuddle with you a widdle?" he asks, already half way up the bed. 

  "I thought you were a big boy now," Mike teases him as he squeezes in between us. "I'm not that big yet, daddy." Mike and I listen to him chatter away about his day- How he couldn't pick a favorite moment. How he is going to ask Santa for his own pony. How Coyote Carlos had almost gotten him if it wasn't for Good Luck Gigi helping him save the day. Finally, he yawns then falls asleep. Mike and I just look at one another and smile. "You want to put him in his bed?" he asks me. "I don't know. Do you?" I ask him back. There is still so much to do outside. Cleaning up, laundry, and dishes. We both stay quiet, having an internal conversation with one another and finally pull the covers up and get comfortable. We know the answer already. Let him be our little baby just one more night. This moment will disappear in an instant if we let it. "You are my miracle, Zach. I love you so much," I whisper in his ear as I do every night since he was born. How blessed we are to have him in our lives. Completing this crazy group of people we call our family.


I love you Zachy Bear, Love Mommy.

The Very First Garage Sale Tale

     Almost a year and a half after moving here, I had only two days to clean my garage. I rented a Pod for a month in January, telling myself if I procrastinated it would cost me big money. (Always a motivator for me). At first, the task seemed daunting. When we first moved here we lived in almost 6000sq feet and a pole barn. My excuse for most things these days is the triplets were pretty much crowning during the move and I had no time to organize a proper garage sale then. So....everything came with us and filled our two car garage to the point I couldn't walk through most of it. 

The before shot. This was the clean side of the garage

   When you start cleaning a garage, at least for me, my first concern was the producers of " Hoarders" was going to pull up to my driveway. The second concern was that now my neighbors could take a peek at my dark secret. I was almost willing to go stand out front and flash my underwear hoping to distract the passers by. But once I took out the first three large items and separated my driveway into "trash" "garage sale" and "keep", I was on fire. It felt like a spiritual high to be getting my garage, and subconsciously, my mind, in order. 

     I was so tired after the cleansing, that I really debated whether I wanted to try a garage sale at all. But, January for the Harris family is a sad time and I needed something to keep me busy.Thus, the garage sale extravaganza came to fruition. I put an add in the paper Wednesday to seal it in stone and spent the babies' nap time Thursday sorting things up in the Pod. And to make it super fun, I baked cookies all night for the kids to sell. 

     We set up at 7:30 and I had a mini panic attack thinking no one was going to show up. But I shook it off and went outside to set up. To add to the adventure the weather was a balmy 40 degrees that morning in Florida. Four hours in an episode of garage sale survivor I thought to myself. Maybe I would just stay inside and scream at the people through the window to leave their money on the doorstep and leave. Or maybe I would just pay them to go away. The fire that got me going was when my husband and our friend Juan began to snicker at some of the items I put out: snow tires, a used folded Mardi Gras sign, multiple appliance manuals. Juan laughed and told me "I will match any money you make from selling these manuals." Then my husband and him gave each other one of those knowing, "Women!" shrugs and laughed. 

Lesson Number One when dealing with Cubans: Don't underestimate them.

Lesson Number One when dealing with Cuban woman: Don't make us angry.

    My goal was to make $150 dollars, approximately, the price of the Pod for the month. My first customer came at 7:50 and bought my used up Mardi Gras sign and table ornament that was missing its base, and plastic cups I got for free during a Mardi Gras five years ago. I asked her if she wanted a manual but she declined. I was a bit disappointed. The second customer bought some pants and a picture frame without the glass. She too, declined the manual. At 8am people flocked in and I must say, the diverse amounts of folks we met that day was a treat that made the time fly. An artist came in and spent an hour telling me what she did which is pretty cool. She can take any picture of your kids art work and dye wool to match it and make a rug or purse with that design. An older woman named Dorothy spent almost three hours picking baby clothes that she, in turn, donates to the many shelters in town. So many people knew her at the garage sale. It warmed my heart to hear her stories. I was planning on giving her the box of clothes when she came to pay but someone beat me to it. A woman came up to me and gave me thirty dollars for her box so, in turn, I gave her another box of clothes. It was a good moment of feeling like things were right in the world. Later, Dorothy told me that today her sister was in the hospital and was probably going to die,and it was also the anniversary of her son's death. She said this made her day a bit brighter. I told her I completely understood having had a garage sale for the same reason. 

     Not all was fun and games, there were moments of fierce haggling. Like when a guy offered me a dollar for a Gloria Estefan album but I talked him down to fifty cents because it was in a box marked "fifty cent albums" Yeah, I'm a shark. I was a closer on several deals with the line, "What's the price that's going to get you to take this home?" All in all, the sale was a success. Especially when I sold four manuals. I decided that when people would come to pay I would ask them if they wanted one of their items for free. Their interest peaked I would then tell them I would sell them a manual for $1 then they could have one of their items for free. SOLD! The funny thing is that when I would hand them the manual(that they didn't want), most of them leafed through them and picked another manual instead of the one I gave them. Like they wanted to choose the junk they were getting. Whatever the case, the highlight of my day was when my husband and Juan returned from their outing and I asked him to pay up. In all, the clean up was pretty easy having sold most of the items. I made a little over $750 for four hours of work(not including the money we made from my cookies which Eva kept) and came away with some great stories. Where at first I felt embarrassed over someone picking through my stuff and judging me, in the end I felt disgusted that I would have been so quick to throw so much of my hard earned cash away. Lastly, I learned that most people announce their garage sales on Craigslist and that I could have had so much more traffic if I would have done that. Oh, well maybe next time.