Happy 4th Birthday Zach

     January 20th is my son Zachary's birthday. The scars of his death are still fresh, like a newly severed limb but I find that as with his birthdays before, I always find myself at a loss of what to do to survive it. I find myself thinking it is one more year without him or one more year closer to being with him again depending on my testimony. Writing about the day I think we would have had together makes things a little more tolerable. And I write for no one but myself. But I know, unfortunately, there are other mothers out there with the same devastating loss and would love to know if this gets easier and if there is anything that you do to mark this day that helps you overcome the loss? 

     Today is Zach's fourth birthday. He has been thinking about this day for so long now that I am afraid he may pass out when I tell him that today is, in fact, the day we are having his party. It all started earlier this month when he came across us looking at pictures from his older brother and idol,Golden's, fourth birthday. "I want to be a cowboy too." he shouted. He shortened the chant to "Cowboy! Cowboy!" but the meaning was the same. He wanted us to dress up like cowboys and indians. And of course, he wanted pony rides.
   
     So, this morning we sneaked into his room with balloons, a belt for his pistols and a white cowboy hat.  "Happy Birthday, Zach." He almost fell off the bed when he stood up to put them on. "Golden, you will be the bad guy and chase me. Let's go!" I knew what Golden was thinking before he said it, "I am NOT the bad guy. I am only a good guy." Tenderly, Zach reached out and cupped Golden's face in his chubby little hands. "Pweeze, Go-go!" Mike and I squeezed each other's hands as we watched Zach at work. He knew how to work his big brother. He would eventually get his way because Golden had a soft spot for him. We left them alone to fight it out  in a tickle fight which is how things usually were settled between them. Muffled giggles could be heard through the door already.
   
     A few hours later and at least one hundred, "Is it time yet?"inquiries, the party was in full swing. The girls and I dressed as Indian princesses while the boys wore their boots and chaps. "Where is the pony?"Zach asked. I bent down with a frown on my face. "I'm sorry, Papito. I couldn't get a pony for today but I did get you this." I hand him a wooden stick horse and watch him slowly turn it around and around in his hand. Without an ounce of anger, he looks up at me and I can't help but touch his cheek because his mossy green eyes still take my breath away. "It's okay, Mommy. Don't be sad. I can ride this horsey too."He gallops in a circle around me as I watch his messy blond curls bounce up and down. Before I can tell him the real surprise is outside, Golden comes running up behind us carrying a squealing Carlos. Carlos is wearing the black cowboy hat and Golden is helping him hold the big pistol in his little hands. "Coyote Carlos is coming to get you Zach. You better run." Zachary screams with delight and gallops away shooting over his shoulder. I knew big brother would make a "bad guy" exception for him.
   
     As the boys run out into the yard they run smack into the surprise. A big white pony. Mike scoops him up and laughs at Zach's silent jaw dropping stare. "Mommy was just teasing you, big guy." After a dozen pony rides, hot dogs, face painting and cake we call the party officially over. "I'm a big boy now, Eva. I am fow yearfs old," he tells his sister as he holds up five fingers. She stifles a laugh. "Look how strong I am." He tries to lift Beau up but gets his six shooter caught in the chair. Beau just giggles and rubs his head as he strains to lift her. "Oh-no, Zachy! Oh-no!" Before he knows it, the triplets have each stolen a pistol and his hat and he is in a full out foot race to retrieve them.

          By the end of the night, I am exhausted but pleased at how the party turned out. Carlos comes into our room in his Star Wars pjs, holding his six shooter. He looks just like Golden but with Carlos' blond hair. "Can I cuddle with you a widdle?" he asks, already half way up the bed. 

  "I thought you were a big boy now," Mike teases him as he squeezes in between us. "I'm not that big yet, daddy." Mike and I listen to him chatter away about his day- How he couldn't pick a favorite moment. How he is going to ask Santa for his own pony. How Coyote Carlos had almost gotten him if it wasn't for Good Luck Gigi helping him save the day. Finally, he yawns then falls asleep. Mike and I just look at one another and smile. "You want to put him in his bed?" he asks me. "I don't know. Do you?" I ask him back. There is still so much to do outside. Cleaning up, laundry, and dishes. We both stay quiet, having an internal conversation with one another and finally pull the covers up and get comfortable. We know the answer already. Let him be our little baby just one more night. This moment will disappear in an instant if we let it. "You are my miracle, Zach. I love you so much," I whisper in his ear as I do every night since he was born. How blessed we are to have him in our lives. Completing this crazy group of people we call our family.


I love you Zachy Bear, Love Mommy.